Hey. I know you probably don't want to talk to anyone right now and hole up somewhere and avoid seeing other people because wallowing in your guilt feels like the correct course of action. As your official (?) redemption sponsor and more importantly your friend, I'm telling you do not do that. That's where the bad thoughts lie and you swim in those long enough and you're gonna drown. You can't tread water there forever.
So I'm here. To talk. Either on the Fluids or in person, but I am here to talk. Because you need to and I'm not gonna stand back and let you destroy yourself because I care about you too much for that. So please speak to me.
For further incentive, in case you need persuading, I've rigged the Fluid to keep sending you an annoying noise every ten minutes until I get a response. I do this out of love.
[stupid. varian. making good on his promises like this. she grumbles as she pounds out her next text because it's the closest thing she has left to crying.]
[The obnoxious kazoo sound does, at least, cease. Varian always keeps his promises- he doesn't make them unless he knows he can. So here they are. ]
Thank you. And she was purposefully obtuse about it, so I'm going to assume it was a lot worse than she's letting on. I know you're not okay, but do you need anything for starters? Food? Water? I'll even let you have one (1) hug if you really need it.
[she doesn't respond to anything else. not yet, at least. she needs to know what he thinks of that before she feels remotely safe moving forward, redemption sponsor or not.]
You say that like it would actually stop me. Stay put.
If she wanted my help she would have said so instead of asking me to check up on you. Besides, she has like a hundred people to take care of her. You don't.
I'm not going anywhere I unlocked the door I'll be the one on the couch wrapped in a blanket and trying not to cry
[she means it not as a way of expressing vulnerability but as a way of putting herself down. she's pathetic, and she hates it. but that is what she's doing when Varian arrives, and in what's become a practiced motion she's flicking the lighter on and off in front of her and just. watching the flame.]
[The unlocked door is... concerning. Varian has been in this situation himself, back in July. He'd done much the same, unlocked the door, waited to see if anyone wanted to enact their revenge on him. They didn't, and he's deeply hoping the same will be true for Emerald.
He eventually makes his way to her place, letting himself in and following the sound of the clicking lighter to get to her.]
Well. You've looked better.
[Despite the words, there's no bite to them. He's too worried about her for it to properly work. He comes around to sit next to her, putting his backpack down with a clunk- there's plenty of supplies in there for her. ]
Don't punch me. You're getting this if you like it or not.
[Varian isn't much of a hugger. He values his personal space bubble very much, and while he puts up with hugs from his frustratingly touch-y friends, it's very rare he chooses to initiate one himself. But he does so this time, leaning over to pull her into a good, solid hug.]
[there's no fighting back, and whether she planned not to fight back about anything or not, she's keeping to herself. the door, in reality, was unlocked only when she learned Varian was going to be coming over; she's not fatalistic about this despite everything. she just wants... she doesn't know what she wants. help. love. kindness.]
I'm not punching you. [she mutters it out, and even if neither of them is much of a hugger, she slides her arms around him and holds him against her like driftwood. the lighter stays in her lap.] I've felt better. I feel... useless.
Glad to hear it, I'm really skinny and you could probably knock me out cold with one hit.
[He remains where he is, though, giving her a gentle squeeze.]
I know. You're not, I hasten to add, but I know. This place can just pull the worst part of you to the surface before you even realise it's happening. That's not your fault- but I can understand why you'd be feeling like it is. That worst part is still a part of you, after all.
[she interjects that in the middle and it's quiet and it trails off, like she never said anything. instead, she listens to him, and it feels like something she's heard a lot before but this is the first time it's really applied to her. and then he says that it's still a part of her and that makes her breath shudder.]
I don't want this to be a part of me. I thought I was done with Cinder. I thought I was done being... manipulated and pulled around by my heart and being a fucking idiot about someone who was nice to me one time.
[He stays holding onto her, for as long as she needs him to. If nothing else, he can provide a good solid rock in times like this.]
Emerald. [Always serious business when they use one another's full names. ] You're not an idiot because a weak spot was used against you. That's what this place does. That's what Sodder does. She knows what part of you will always be easy to dig into and... well, there they are. Cinder's one of yours- the fact she still is doesn't make you any lesser. Mine's still used against me here.
[she's only speaking a little more insistently, but she's not angry. not at Varian. her fingers tighten their grip.]
I made this... huge deal about how I wasn't going to let myself be controlled by her anymore. I kept saying I was better than her, that I knew she was bad for me, I knew she was always bad for me whether she cared about me or not, and I just... the second. The second she showed up here, it was over. [her breath hitches. she's not going to start sobbing on him. she can't. when she's confident she won't break down, she continues, but it's a razor's edge by the time she finishes.]
Everything I said was just a nice-sounding lie. Every promise I made was just... yelling into a void, and none of it meant anything.
[He's quiet, letting her get it out- that's important. Having some sort of release is better than letting it fester and rot. That's where bad things lie. He moves his hand in a small circle over her back, trying to provide comfort.]
Of course, it meant something, Em. Those weak spots stick with us forever, if we like it or not. We can kid ourselves that they're gone, but they never are. Not really. We just find better ways of dealing with them. Find people who help us deal with them when- when they show up again.
[He gives her another squeeze, tight but not suffocating- she can still pull away if she needs to.]
Look. I don't know a whole lot about her, other than the breadcrumbs I got from the others, but it sounds like she had her claws in your for a long time. [It reminds him a little of Gothel, how she controlled and manipulated and used Rapunzel for eighteen years of her life, it makes him sick to his stomach to know someone else he cared about went through much the same.] People like that -when they make sure that they're the only thing in your life- they leave scars. No one can blame you for being taken right back to that place again, because that's how she made you think, right? It takes... well, it takes time to be able to carry that without it crushing you. You're only human, Em. Don't forget that.
[she doesn't want to. she doesn't want to let go. she doesn't want anyone to leave her. nobody else. no more damage beyond what she already directly caused.]
I thought... I thought I was stronger than this. [that's all it comes down to. she's ashamed with herself for her failure and all the repercussions, all the sick echoes it's going to have on her life moving forward.] I hate this. I just want to be done with her... I want her out of my life. [she wants peace, freedom. and she thought she had it. and... gods. under all this she knows she's in a better place than she's ever, ever been before. if it had to happen then it's good that it happened here. but it's like Varian said. the scars will be there.]
But if she shows up again, what if she... what if she tells me to do something to Neo, or to you, or to... to everyone? [she has something now. she has a life, she has people here for her. but it's. not out of the question for someone to want her to burn it all down. for real this time.] I don't think she wanted it to stop at Ruby's eye. I think it only stopped there because she disappeared. And I want... I want to fight back against her so bad. I want her to stop and I don't know why I couldn't just tell somebody about it this time.
You're stronger than you think you are. Would you have felt like this about it in the past? Would you have been this worried about it happening again? Would you have been willing to fight her as much as you possibly could in the past?
[Because that's always been the point for him to look at. Are his choices better now than they ere back then?]
Because it sounds to me that you've become a lot stronger than that. But stronger doesn't mean invincible. It- this place will always get at you that way. And I could understand why you didn't tell any of us, why would you? You were scared, and like you said, she knows how to push your buttons exactly right.
[He pulls back, just a little to offer a little, encouraging smile. He won't let go of her yet, not a chance.]
And if it happens again, we'll figure out a way to deal with it. I'm not going to hold anything this town makes you do against you, Em. You're family, we're in this together.
[she lets herself take a moment to breathe, to listen. to not try to defend or explain herself. just to let herself have this... have a family. have someone here. someone else who won't give up on her. she breathes slowly, tries to hold herself together. together... he's right. they're in this together. this is a tragedy and it could've been avoided but they can't do anything about it anymore except look towards the future and work to stop it from happening again.]
You're right... you're right. I wouldn't even be thinking any of these things if it weren't for you and everyone else. My real family, instead of whatever I thought Cinder was to me. [she moves her hands a little so she's not gripping him as tightly, but she's not letting go yet, either.]
If this happens again, or if Salem shows up, or if... if anything bad happens, I'm going to do my absolute best to tell you all. To stop being afraid of what could happen from something that only exists in my own head. I'm not alone and I don't have to handle everything on my own. [especially when she's afraid. she's just repeating these reassurances in hopes they stick this time. but that's what the lighter is for, too. she reaches down between them, grabs it from the blankets.]
I thought I lost this when Cinder showed up. But it's helping me a lot when the nights get long and dark.
I know I'm right. I usually am. I've got a very big brain. [It's a poor attempt to bring some levity to the situation. It falls a little flat. He's not great at this. ] But yeah, focus on the people who actually care about you. Not her.
[He's fine with that, nodding.]
There you go, you got it. This town is insane enough without trying to handle everything on your own. Especially when you've got plenty of people willing to fight your corner for you any time.
[Aww, but does that just bring a proper smile to his face.]
[she takes a moment to breathe and agree with him, even if she's not immediately reacting to the joke—the joke that does land, to be sure. but she's focusing on what the inscription means as her thumb runs over the engraved letters.]
After Cinder showed up, I thought the bridges I'd be burning would be the ones with all of you. I'm glad it's still her that I'm leaving behind. Her fire might burn bright, but there's nothing there for me anymore. She's lighting up an empty room. [she looks at him and gives a small smile.] How did you know this was going to mean so much to me? Are you just that good at giving gifts?
That's the way you need to see it. Those people might always be there, but so long as we can keep walking away from them and make sure the bridges we burn are those ones. That's a nice way of looking at it. She's lighting up an empty room.
[He smiles.]
I'm a pretty good gift-giver- got that on good authority. But also, I've been where you've been. I get it's... hard. But you've got good things to walk towards, people waiting for you on this other side who'll stick by you. You've just got to keep walking forward.
You're right. I do have to keep going, with... [she's just letting her voice swell with gratitude now. as though it hasn't been doing that enough already.] With everyone who decided to stay with me at my side. You and the rest of my family... and not Cinder.
[she can feel her tone shifting, and the weight in her gut dissipating. there's a new way to think about this now, one that makes it a lot easier to realize that she's not alone—and that she's making the right choice.]
You know, really... if she cared about me as much as she said she did, she would've stuck around more. Right? She would still be here in my head. But she disappeared. [and a little... sardonic look creeps to her lips.] She's the one who abandoned me.
Heh. You're gonna give me a big head if you keep talking about me like that.
[but she needs it. she's needed this kind of thing for a while, actually, and the more she gets it the more she realizes it. this kind of thing? kindness, really. care. love. in real quantities, and from real people who really have her best interests in mind. every time she remembers what she has now compared to what she left behind, when she gets too far into her own thoughts like this, it's never a bad thing. she has a life now. and she wants to keep it.]
You're right, though. I am pretty great. Same as you, same as Ruby, same as all of us. Gods... [Ruby.] This is what it feels like, isn't it? To have something that you actually want to fight to keep. I think I like it.
It's okay, I think you could use it once a while. I'll make sure that you can still fit through doors.
[He smiles, moving to pat her shoulder. He's honestly glad to see her come to this. It's always a big milestone to get through. Realising that not only do people give a damn about you, but you can give a damn about them. That neither of those are bad things- quite the opposite in fact. They make you better.]
That's what it feels like, yeah. Welcome to really wanting to be a better person- no matter what. You got there. I'm proud of you.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
hallucinogem) wrote2020-06-10 04:49 pm
STAGGR
text: un: trienemybest
Hey. I know you probably don't want to talk to anyone right now and hole up somewhere and avoid seeing other people because wallowing in your guilt feels like the correct course of action. As your official (?) redemption sponsor and more importantly your friend, I'm telling you do not do that. That's where the bad thoughts lie and you swim in those long enough and you're gonna drown. You can't tread water there forever.
So I'm here. To talk. Either on the Fluids or in person, but I am here to talk. Because you need to and I'm not gonna stand back and let you destroy yourself because I care about you too much for that. So please speak to me.
For further incentive, in case you need persuading, I've rigged the Fluid to keep sending you an annoying noise every ten minutes until I get a response. I do this out of love.
attached:pickupthephoneem.MP3
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Turn it off
[stupid. varian. making good on his promises like this. she grumbles as she pounds out her next text because it's the closest thing she has left to crying.]
How much did she tell you about what I did
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Thank you. And she was purposefully obtuse about it, so I'm going to assume it was a lot worse than she's letting on. I know you're not okay, but do you need anything for starters? Food? Water? I'll even let you have one (1) hug if you really need it.
[That's a lie she can have so many hugs.]
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[she doesn't respond to anything else. not yet, at least. she needs to know what he thinks of that before she feels remotely safe moving forward, redemption sponsor or not.]
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Okay. Way more than just a scratch then.
[Ruby, PLEASE.]
Where are you? This is definitely a need to check up on you in-person kind of conversation. Worry's gone up significantly.
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I don't want to be around anyone right now
[but if she really felt that way then she wouldn't have told him where she is.]
She needs more help than I do anyway
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If she wanted my help she would have said so instead of asking me to check up on you. Besides, she has like a hundred people to take care of her. You don't.
[He's on his way, sorry not sorry, Em.]
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I unlocked the door
I'll be the one on the couch wrapped in a blanket and trying not to cry
[she means it not as a way of expressing vulnerability but as a way of putting herself down. she's pathetic, and she hates it. but that is what she's doing when Varian arrives, and in what's become a practiced motion she's flicking the lighter on and off in front of her and just. watching the flame.]
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He eventually makes his way to her place, letting himself in and following the sound of the clicking lighter to get to her.]
Well. You've looked better.
[Despite the words, there's no bite to them. He's too worried about her for it to properly work. He comes around to sit next to her, putting his backpack down with a clunk- there's plenty of supplies in there for her. ]
Don't punch me. You're getting this if you like it or not.
[Varian isn't much of a hugger. He values his personal space bubble very much, and while he puts up with hugs from his frustratingly touch-y friends, it's very rare he chooses to initiate one himself. But he does so this time, leaning over to pull her into a good, solid hug.]
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I'm not punching you. [she mutters it out, and even if neither of them is much of a hugger, she slides her arms around him and holds him against her like driftwood. the lighter stays in her lap.] I've felt better. I feel... useless.
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Glad to hear it, I'm really skinny and you could probably knock me out cold with one hit.
[He remains where he is, though, giving her a gentle squeeze.]
I know. You're not, I hasten to add, but I know. This place can just pull the worst part of you to the surface before you even realise it's happening. That's not your fault- but I can understand why you'd be feeling like it is. That worst part is still a part of you, after all.
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[she interjects that in the middle and it's quiet and it trails off, like she never said anything. instead, she listens to him, and it feels like something she's heard a lot before but this is the first time it's really applied to her. and then he says that it's still a part of her and that makes her breath shudder.]
I don't want this to be a part of me. I thought I was done with Cinder. I thought I was done being... manipulated and pulled around by my heart and being a fucking idiot about someone who was nice to me one time.
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Emerald. [Always serious business when they use one another's full names. ] You're not an idiot because a weak spot was used against you. That's what this place does. That's what Sodder does. She knows what part of you will always be easy to dig into and... well, there they are. Cinder's one of yours- the fact she still is doesn't make you any lesser. Mine's still used against me here.
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[she's only speaking a little more insistently, but she's not angry. not at Varian. her fingers tighten their grip.]
I made this... huge deal about how I wasn't going to let myself be controlled by her anymore. I kept saying I was better than her, that I knew she was bad for me, I knew she was always bad for me whether she cared about me or not, and I just... the second. The second she showed up here, it was over. [her breath hitches. she's not going to start sobbing on him. she can't. when she's confident she won't break down, she continues, but it's a razor's edge by the time she finishes.]
Everything I said was just a nice-sounding lie. Every promise I made was just... yelling into a void, and none of it meant anything.
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Of course, it meant something, Em. Those weak spots stick with us forever, if we like it or not. We can kid ourselves that they're gone, but they never are. Not really. We just find better ways of dealing with them. Find people who help us deal with them when- when they show up again.
[He gives her another squeeze, tight but not suffocating- she can still pull away if she needs to.]
Look. I don't know a whole lot about her, other than the breadcrumbs I got from the others, but it sounds like she had her claws in your for a long time. [It reminds him a little of Gothel, how she controlled and manipulated and used Rapunzel for eighteen years of her life, it makes him sick to his stomach to know someone else he cared about went through much the same.] People like that -when they make sure that they're the only thing in your life- they leave scars. No one can blame you for being taken right back to that place again, because that's how she made you think, right? It takes... well, it takes time to be able to carry that without it crushing you. You're only human, Em. Don't forget that.
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I thought... I thought I was stronger than this. [that's all it comes down to. she's ashamed with herself for her failure and all the repercussions, all the sick echoes it's going to have on her life moving forward.] I hate this. I just want to be done with her... I want her out of my life. [she wants peace, freedom. and she thought she had it. and... gods. under all this she knows she's in a better place than she's ever, ever been before. if it had to happen then it's good that it happened here. but it's like Varian said. the scars will be there.]
But if she shows up again, what if she... what if she tells me to do something to Neo, or to you, or to... to everyone? [she has something now. she has a life, she has people here for her. but it's. not out of the question for someone to want her to burn it all down. for real this time.] I don't think she wanted it to stop at Ruby's eye. I think it only stopped there because she disappeared. And I want... I want to fight back against her so bad. I want her to stop and I don't know why I couldn't just tell somebody about it this time.
[she does. she knows. she's just ashamed.]
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[Because that's always been the point for him to look at. Are his choices better now than they ere back then?]
Because it sounds to me that you've become a lot stronger than that. But stronger doesn't mean invincible. It- this place will always get at you that way. And I could understand why you didn't tell any of us, why would you? You were scared, and like you said, she knows how to push your buttons exactly right.
[He pulls back, just a little to offer a little, encouraging smile. He won't let go of her yet, not a chance.]
And if it happens again, we'll figure out a way to deal with it. I'm not going to hold anything this town makes you do against you, Em. You're family, we're in this together.
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You're right... you're right. I wouldn't even be thinking any of these things if it weren't for you and everyone else. My real family, instead of whatever I thought Cinder was to me. [she moves her hands a little so she's not gripping him as tightly, but she's not letting go yet, either.]
If this happens again, or if Salem shows up, or if... if anything bad happens, I'm going to do my absolute best to tell you all. To stop being afraid of what could happen from something that only exists in my own head. I'm not alone and I don't have to handle everything on my own. [especially when she's afraid. she's just repeating these reassurances in hopes they stick this time. but that's what the lighter is for, too. she reaches down between them, grabs it from the blankets.]
I thought I lost this when Cinder showed up. But it's helping me a lot when the nights get long and dark.
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[He's fine with that, nodding.]
There you go, you got it. This town is insane enough without trying to handle everything on your own. Especially when you've got plenty of people willing to fight your corner for you any time.
[Aww, but does that just bring a proper smile to his face.]
I#m really glad it is. It's doing its job anyway.
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[she takes a moment to breathe and agree with him, even if she's not immediately reacting to the joke—the joke that does land, to be sure. but she's focusing on what the inscription means as her thumb runs over the engraved letters.]
After Cinder showed up, I thought the bridges I'd be burning would be the ones with all of you. I'm glad it's still her that I'm leaving behind. Her fire might burn bright, but there's nothing there for me anymore. She's lighting up an empty room. [she looks at him and gives a small smile.] How did you know this was going to mean so much to me? Are you just that good at giving gifts?
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[He smiles.]
I'm a pretty good gift-giver- got that on good authority. But also, I've been where you've been. I get it's... hard. But you've got good things to walk towards, people waiting for you on this other side who'll stick by you. You've just got to keep walking forward.
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[she can feel her tone shifting, and the weight in her gut dissipating. there's a new way to think about this now, one that makes it a lot easier to realize that she's not alone—and that she's making the right choice.]
You know, really... if she cared about me as much as she said she did, she would've stuck around more. Right? She would still be here in my head. But she disappeared. [and a little... sardonic look creeps to her lips.] She's the one who abandoned me.
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[It's really good to see her mood lift, that she's finding some solid faith in herself.]
And that's her loss, Em. You're better off without her, by a long way. You don't need her around, you're pretty great all on your own.
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[but she needs it. she's needed this kind of thing for a while, actually, and the more she gets it the more she realizes it. this kind of thing? kindness, really. care. love. in real quantities, and from real people who really have her best interests in mind. every time she remembers what she has now compared to what she left behind, when she gets too far into her own thoughts like this, it's never a bad thing. she has a life now. and she wants to keep it.]
You're right, though. I am pretty great. Same as you, same as Ruby, same as all of us. Gods... [Ruby.] This is what it feels like, isn't it? To have something that you actually want to fight to keep. I think I like it.
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[He smiles, moving to pat her shoulder. He's honestly glad to see her come to this. It's always a big milestone to get through. Realising that not only do people give a damn about you, but you can give a damn about them. That neither of those are bad things- quite the opposite in fact. They make you better.]
That's what it feels like, yeah. Welcome to really wanting to be a better person- no matter what. You got there. I'm proud of you.
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