[she lets herself take a moment to breathe, to listen. to not try to defend or explain herself. just to let herself have this... have a family. have someone here. someone else who won't give up on her. she breathes slowly, tries to hold herself together. together... he's right. they're in this together. this is a tragedy and it could've been avoided but they can't do anything about it anymore except look towards the future and work to stop it from happening again.]
You're right... you're right. I wouldn't even be thinking any of these things if it weren't for you and everyone else. My real family, instead of whatever I thought Cinder was to me. [she moves her hands a little so she's not gripping him as tightly, but she's not letting go yet, either.]
If this happens again, or if Salem shows up, or if... if anything bad happens, I'm going to do my absolute best to tell you all. To stop being afraid of what could happen from something that only exists in my own head. I'm not alone and I don't have to handle everything on my own. [especially when she's afraid. she's just repeating these reassurances in hopes they stick this time. but that's what the lighter is for, too. she reaches down between them, grabs it from the blankets.]
I thought I lost this when Cinder showed up. But it's helping me a lot when the nights get long and dark.
I know I'm right. I usually am. I've got a very big brain. [It's a poor attempt to bring some levity to the situation. It falls a little flat. He's not great at this. ] But yeah, focus on the people who actually care about you. Not her.
[He's fine with that, nodding.]
There you go, you got it. This town is insane enough without trying to handle everything on your own. Especially when you've got plenty of people willing to fight your corner for you any time.
[Aww, but does that just bring a proper smile to his face.]
[she takes a moment to breathe and agree with him, even if she's not immediately reacting to the joke—the joke that does land, to be sure. but she's focusing on what the inscription means as her thumb runs over the engraved letters.]
After Cinder showed up, I thought the bridges I'd be burning would be the ones with all of you. I'm glad it's still her that I'm leaving behind. Her fire might burn bright, but there's nothing there for me anymore. She's lighting up an empty room. [she looks at him and gives a small smile.] How did you know this was going to mean so much to me? Are you just that good at giving gifts?
That's the way you need to see it. Those people might always be there, but so long as we can keep walking away from them and make sure the bridges we burn are those ones. That's a nice way of looking at it. She's lighting up an empty room.
[He smiles.]
I'm a pretty good gift-giver- got that on good authority. But also, I've been where you've been. I get it's... hard. But you've got good things to walk towards, people waiting for you on this other side who'll stick by you. You've just got to keep walking forward.
You're right. I do have to keep going, with... [she's just letting her voice swell with gratitude now. as though it hasn't been doing that enough already.] With everyone who decided to stay with me at my side. You and the rest of my family... and not Cinder.
[she can feel her tone shifting, and the weight in her gut dissipating. there's a new way to think about this now, one that makes it a lot easier to realize that she's not alone—and that she's making the right choice.]
You know, really... if she cared about me as much as she said she did, she would've stuck around more. Right? She would still be here in my head. But she disappeared. [and a little... sardonic look creeps to her lips.] She's the one who abandoned me.
Heh. You're gonna give me a big head if you keep talking about me like that.
[but she needs it. she's needed this kind of thing for a while, actually, and the more she gets it the more she realizes it. this kind of thing? kindness, really. care. love. in real quantities, and from real people who really have her best interests in mind. every time she remembers what she has now compared to what she left behind, when she gets too far into her own thoughts like this, it's never a bad thing. she has a life now. and she wants to keep it.]
You're right, though. I am pretty great. Same as you, same as Ruby, same as all of us. Gods... [Ruby.] This is what it feels like, isn't it? To have something that you actually want to fight to keep. I think I like it.
It's okay, I think you could use it once a while. I'll make sure that you can still fit through doors.
[He smiles, moving to pat her shoulder. He's honestly glad to see her come to this. It's always a big milestone to get through. Realising that not only do people give a damn about you, but you can give a damn about them. That neither of those are bad things- quite the opposite in fact. They make you better.]
That's what it feels like, yeah. Welcome to really wanting to be a better person- no matter what. You got there. I'm proud of you.
[that just... gods, that fills her chest with so much warmth. not just the realization that she's still where she wants to be, but that someone she respects, someone she's not just infatuated with or whatever the hell she used to feel towards Cinder, is genuinely, actually proud of her. she could cry, but she's out of tears right now. it's not the right time for that anyway.]
Don't tell me that, you dork. I'm gonna start crying again. [she gives him the most genuinely grateful look she can muster.] Thanks for showing me how to get here. I mean it. I don't know if I would've gotten here without the stuff you taught me.
[A small laugh does bubble out of him. Too bad, she picked him and now she's stuck with him. Forever.]
I'm not even a tiny bit sorry.
[He smiles back.]
Don't mention it. I'm glad I've been able to help someone. It makes the whole... everything I went through worth it, if it means someone else has been able to get better from it.
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hallucinogem) wrote2020-06-10 04:49 pm
STAGGR
no subject
You're right... you're right. I wouldn't even be thinking any of these things if it weren't for you and everyone else. My real family, instead of whatever I thought Cinder was to me. [she moves her hands a little so she's not gripping him as tightly, but she's not letting go yet, either.]
If this happens again, or if Salem shows up, or if... if anything bad happens, I'm going to do my absolute best to tell you all. To stop being afraid of what could happen from something that only exists in my own head. I'm not alone and I don't have to handle everything on my own. [especially when she's afraid. she's just repeating these reassurances in hopes they stick this time. but that's what the lighter is for, too. she reaches down between them, grabs it from the blankets.]
I thought I lost this when Cinder showed up. But it's helping me a lot when the nights get long and dark.
no subject
[He's fine with that, nodding.]
There you go, you got it. This town is insane enough without trying to handle everything on your own. Especially when you've got plenty of people willing to fight your corner for you any time.
[Aww, but does that just bring a proper smile to his face.]
I#m really glad it is. It's doing its job anyway.
no subject
[she takes a moment to breathe and agree with him, even if she's not immediately reacting to the joke—the joke that does land, to be sure. but she's focusing on what the inscription means as her thumb runs over the engraved letters.]
After Cinder showed up, I thought the bridges I'd be burning would be the ones with all of you. I'm glad it's still her that I'm leaving behind. Her fire might burn bright, but there's nothing there for me anymore. She's lighting up an empty room. [she looks at him and gives a small smile.] How did you know this was going to mean so much to me? Are you just that good at giving gifts?
no subject
[He smiles.]
I'm a pretty good gift-giver- got that on good authority. But also, I've been where you've been. I get it's... hard. But you've got good things to walk towards, people waiting for you on this other side who'll stick by you. You've just got to keep walking forward.
no subject
[she can feel her tone shifting, and the weight in her gut dissipating. there's a new way to think about this now, one that makes it a lot easier to realize that she's not alone—and that she's making the right choice.]
You know, really... if she cared about me as much as she said she did, she would've stuck around more. Right? She would still be here in my head. But she disappeared. [and a little... sardonic look creeps to her lips.] She's the one who abandoned me.
no subject
[It's really good to see her mood lift, that she's finding some solid faith in herself.]
And that's her loss, Em. You're better off without her, by a long way. You don't need her around, you're pretty great all on your own.
no subject
[but she needs it. she's needed this kind of thing for a while, actually, and the more she gets it the more she realizes it. this kind of thing? kindness, really. care. love. in real quantities, and from real people who really have her best interests in mind. every time she remembers what she has now compared to what she left behind, when she gets too far into her own thoughts like this, it's never a bad thing. she has a life now. and she wants to keep it.]
You're right, though. I am pretty great. Same as you, same as Ruby, same as all of us. Gods... [Ruby.] This is what it feels like, isn't it? To have something that you actually want to fight to keep. I think I like it.
no subject
[He smiles, moving to pat her shoulder. He's honestly glad to see her come to this. It's always a big milestone to get through. Realising that not only do people give a damn about you, but you can give a damn about them. That neither of those are bad things- quite the opposite in fact. They make you better.]
That's what it feels like, yeah. Welcome to really wanting to be a better person- no matter what. You got there. I'm proud of you.
no subject
Don't tell me that, you dork. I'm gonna start crying again. [she gives him the most genuinely grateful look she can muster.] Thanks for showing me how to get here. I mean it. I don't know if I would've gotten here without the stuff you taught me.
no subject
I'm not even a tiny bit sorry.
[He smiles back.]
Don't mention it. I'm glad I've been able to help someone. It makes the whole... everything I went through worth it, if it means someone else has been able to get better from it.