blake could do a whole spiel about how she'd trusted emerald once, they all had, how could she believe so easily that this is real—and she'd thought about it, before leaving her first voicemail. but it's clear enough that time and her friends' trust in emerald would make that pointless. those feelings of caution should be self-evident, anyway. instead... ]
Hey. [ blake lets out a breath. ] Honestly? I don't know where to start. I thought we knew you, back at Beacon, but... [i thought i was used to people pretending to be something they're not, she doesn't say. how much of that had been real? ] Start explaining, and we can go from there?
[there's a pause while she gathers her thoughts, tries to figure out the best starting point. there isn't one.]
So when I got here about half a year ago, I still thought that I needed to get the Relic from Ruby. I showed up in this... blind, murderous rage, but Ruby was the one who managed to talk me down from it. She told me she didn't have the Relic and that Salem wasn't here, so there wasn't really a point in me trying to chase her down and attack her over something she didn't have and that I couldn't get where it needed to be anyway, you know? So we started a truce.
[a breath. sometimes it's hard to process how far she's come. half a year seems like a blink and an eternity both at once.]
And then things just went from there. I waited week after week for Salem to show up here and steal me back, and she never did, and I realized how much of a relief it was to not have her breathing down my neck constantly. And how much I hated everything that she dragged me into. [a pause.] Everything that both of them dragged me into. And after a while I realized I wanted to be friends with people instead of just having a truce with them. So I started working towards that instead.
[she thinks this is coming to an end for now. Blake doesn't need a beat-by-beat, but she deserves the truth.]
I can't make up for everything I did at Beacon when I was with Cinder. I can't change the part I played in this whole... shadow war that Ozma and Salem have been running for centuries. But for everything it's worth, I'm sorry. I'm sorry about all the pain that I caused you and the lives I've changed forever. I'm not asking for forgiveness from anyone until they're ready to give it, and I know I still have a long way to go before any of you might really be able to trust me again. But I promise that all of this is the truth.
[ she listens. makes vague assenting noises here and there to show she's still on the line and paying attention. ]
You're being really forthcoming. Thanks for that. [ she passes her fluid to the other ear, chewing on her lip. ] ...None of it was your plan. And you weren't personally behind most of the damage. [ blake lets out a breath. ] I think I know how you're feeling right now.
[ "from experience", she doesn't say. but maybe she doesn't need to. ]
[she makes a quiet noise on the last part, then pauses for a moment once the conversational ball is in her court. once she's done drinking her water that she knew she'd need because she absolutely prepared what she was going to open with beforehand, she's back on the call.]
You do? Because I'll be honest, Blake. It feels a lot like I'm trying to apologize to a memory instead of a person. [there's no accusation in her tone. she's... regretful, if she's anything.] We've both changed a lot, if how Yang gushes about you means anything, and I don't really know how to make things better with you the way you are now. I can apologize, but I don't know how to move forward.
[ the mention of yang gushing about her causes her face to tinge red on her end of the call, making a faintly embarrassed noise of assent before she continues. ]
We were both different people back then, Emerald. And I thought we were friends, sure, but... [ she sighs, trying to find the right words without tipping her hand too much. "we all would have loved you, if you'd just opened up to us back then—" ]
If you don't know how to move forward from here, maybe we can try to start over. So we're not just talking to memories.
[that's. not a bad idea. she's basically reinvented herself entirely anyway, right? so maybe just... don't forget, forgive if Blake wants to, and start over. for real this time. she takes a moment to chew it over, letting the hum of dead air play in both their ears.]
I could start over. It would be nice to let you know who I really am, instead of who I... [she paths herself away from the initial thought. no shifting blame.] Pretended to be. People already seem to like that person a lot better anyway. And I'm kind of getting used to being a free agent again.
[ she's quiet, for a long moment, a slight jostle against her fluid's mic being the only indication she's still there. she wasn't exactly honest with her friends about who she was when she met them, either. ]
It can be... hard, finding yourself again after something like that. Sounds like you're on your way.
It's definitely not easy. Sounds like you're speaking from experience.
[she doesn't know specifics. not about a lot of things. she knows that there are people in Blake's life that she shouldn't be talking about if she wants to keep the conversation civil, and she suspects there are things about Blake's past that not even Yang knows yet. so she won't pry. just when she thinks she may have been silent for just a tad too long, she continues.]
I swear, if it turns out I've had stuff in common with all four of you this whole time, I'm gonna scream.
[ it's not a denial, but blake doesn't really want to outright confirm anything right now, either. it's... not hard to piece one thing in particular together. from how emerald had fawned over cinder at beacon, to her reaction at haven when she thought she was dead...
cinder may not be adam. the ways cinder has hurt emerald aren't the ways adam hurt her. but it seems clear, to her at least, whose thumb emerald was under and why. ]
Sort of? She got swept up in a bunch of Ruby's group chat stuff and got to see me making a lot of jokes with people. We haven't had a lot of direct one-on-one talks like this.
[they'd talked in the library in October, but so much of October is a miserable blur that even if she hadn't forced herself to block it out, she'd be reluctant to even think about it right now. even to wonder whether Yang told Blake about what happened.]
But Yang's probably told you a lot about me, and Ruby believed in me from the second I set foot here. Me and Qrow are actually pretty good friends now, too, which is—sorry, I don't know if that's weird to you, it just feels weird saying that Qrow's letting himself have friends, you know? [and with that last burst of words, there's one more person she still needs to mention. a small sigh.] And Penny's just like Ruby. Back in action and making friends like nothing ever changed. I don't know how she does it.
Everyone's got their way of dealing. [ blake very much doubts either of them are as okay as they'd like people to think. it occurs to her she should check in about qrow, though, because his status is very up in the air at home— ]
Yang's... we haven't actually talked about much yet, [ making out kind of took precedence over catching up for now. don't judge her. ] but she made it sound like you two had gotten pretty close. And I'm glad—in your situation, you probably couldn't ask for a better friend.
[ again, stepping around whether she's speaking from experience. ]
... You had intel on all of us, though, right? [ the unspoken question being "what did you have on me". ]
[absolutely nobody is okay. who the hell would go to Remnant? that's where the trauma is. the last question gets her, and she mutters out "yeah" while biting her lower lip.]
I mean, "had" is definitely the right word. None of it means anything anymore. Cinder told me about each of you, mostly from what Watts could find, but only ever enough to get on your good sides. [she's not proud of it, and there's a deliberateness to her speech, her pacing the whole time she's talking.] I know that you were involved with the White Fang until you weren't, but a diplomat joining up with a radical rebel group wasn't exactly a story that went under the radar.
I don't know much else about it. I kind of stopped trying to fill the holes on my own. It's hard to be friends with someone when you already know things that they didn't want you to know.
Diplomat's a strong word. When my parents left and I stayed, I was... [ dead air for a second, before, more quietly: ] let's just say I wasn't handling any business of state yet.
[ she's tiptoing around the edges of it, she knows that. enough to cast gray shadows glimpsed in matchlight. but... ]
I think I know what you mean. [ so. more easily, as good a place as any: ] Where are you from, anyway? Was Mistral just your cover?
[she can tell when a subject is being changed, and to be honest it's not unexpected. Emerald knows she made plans to bring up certain subjects when she talked to Yang about it, but after that, maybe she should reconsider. maybe she should just take the release of tension where she can get it and answer the easy question.]
Oh, um. I'm from Vacuo. Just a little desert town near the water, mostly for merchants. And if what everyone here is telling me is right, you guys haven't made it to Vacuo yet, right? [there's the vestiges of a hopeful tone in her voice.] Maybe by the time you drive her back from Mantle and Atlas, I'll be there to help show you around.
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hallucinogem) wrote2020-06-10 04:49 pm
STAGGR
no subject
blake could do a whole spiel about how she'd trusted emerald once, they all had, how could she believe so easily that this is real—and she'd thought about it, before leaving her first voicemail. but it's clear enough that time and her friends' trust in emerald would make that pointless. those feelings of caution should be self-evident, anyway. instead... ]
Hey. [ blake lets out a breath. ] Honestly? I don't know where to start. I thought we knew you, back at Beacon, but... [ i thought i was used to people pretending to be something they're not, she doesn't say. how much of that had been real? ] Start explaining, and we can go from there?
no subject
[there's a pause while she gathers her thoughts, tries to figure out the best starting point. there isn't one.]
So when I got here about half a year ago, I still thought that I needed to get the Relic from Ruby. I showed up in this... blind, murderous rage, but Ruby was the one who managed to talk me down from it. She told me she didn't have the Relic and that Salem wasn't here, so there wasn't really a point in me trying to chase her down and attack her over something she didn't have and that I couldn't get where it needed to be anyway, you know? So we started a truce.
[a breath. sometimes it's hard to process how far she's come. half a year seems like a blink and an eternity both at once.]
And then things just went from there. I waited week after week for Salem to show up here and steal me back, and she never did, and I realized how much of a relief it was to not have her breathing down my neck constantly. And how much I hated everything that she dragged me into. [a pause.] Everything that both of them dragged me into. And after a while I realized I wanted to be friends with people instead of just having a truce with them. So I started working towards that instead.
[she thinks this is coming to an end for now. Blake doesn't need a beat-by-beat, but she deserves the truth.]
I can't make up for everything I did at Beacon when I was with Cinder. I can't change the part I played in this whole... shadow war that Ozma and Salem have been running for centuries. But for everything it's worth, I'm sorry. I'm sorry about all the pain that I caused you and the lives I've changed forever. I'm not asking for forgiveness from anyone until they're ready to give it, and I know I still have a long way to go before any of you might really be able to trust me again. But I promise that all of this is the truth.
no subject
You're being really forthcoming. Thanks for that. [ she passes her fluid to the other ear, chewing on her lip. ] ...None of it was your plan. And you weren't personally behind most of the damage. [ blake lets out a breath. ] I think I know how you're feeling right now.
[ "from experience", she doesn't say. but maybe she doesn't need to. ]
And Yang trusts you, so that... counts for a lot.
no subject
You do? Because I'll be honest, Blake. It feels a lot like I'm trying to apologize to a memory instead of a person. [there's no accusation in her tone. she's... regretful, if she's anything.] We've both changed a lot, if how Yang gushes about you means anything, and I don't really know how to make things better with you the way you are now. I can apologize, but I don't know how to move forward.
no subject
We were both different people back then, Emerald. And I thought we were friends, sure, but... [ she sighs, trying to find the right words without tipping her hand too much. "we all would have loved you, if you'd just opened up to us back then—" ]
If you don't know how to move forward from here, maybe we can try to start over. So we're not just talking to memories.
no subject
I could start over. It would be nice to let you know who I really am, instead of who I... [she paths herself away from the initial thought. no shifting blame.] Pretended to be. People already seem to like that person a lot better anyway. And I'm kind of getting used to being a free agent again.
no subject
[ she's quiet, for a long moment, a slight jostle against her fluid's mic being the only indication she's still there. she wasn't exactly honest with her friends about who she was when she met them, either. ]
It can be... hard, finding yourself again after something like that. Sounds like you're on your way.
no subject
[she doesn't know specifics. not about a lot of things. she knows that there are people in Blake's life that she shouldn't be talking about if she wants to keep the conversation civil, and she suspects there are things about Blake's past that not even Yang knows yet. so she won't pry. just when she thinks she may have been silent for just a tad too long, she continues.]
I swear, if it turns out I've had stuff in common with all four of you this whole time, I'm gonna scream.
no subject
[ it's not a denial, but blake doesn't really want to outright confirm anything right now, either. it's... not hard to piece one thing in particular together. from how emerald had fawned over cinder at beacon, to her reaction at haven when she thought she was dead...
cinder may not be adam. the ways cinder has hurt emerald aren't the ways adam hurt her. but it seems clear, to her at least, whose thumb emerald was under and why. ]
Depends. You bond with Weiss yet?
no subject
[they'd talked in the library in October, but so much of October is a miserable blur that even if she hadn't forced herself to block it out, she'd be reluctant to even think about it right now. even to wonder whether Yang told Blake about what happened.]
But Yang's probably told you a lot about me, and Ruby believed in me from the second I set foot here. Me and Qrow are actually pretty good friends now, too, which is—sorry, I don't know if that's weird to you, it just feels weird saying that Qrow's letting himself have friends, you know? [and with that last burst of words, there's one more person she still needs to mention. a small sigh.] And Penny's just like Ruby. Back in action and making friends like nothing ever changed. I don't know how she does it.
no subject
Everyone's got their way of dealing. [ blake very much doubts either of them are as okay as they'd like people to think. it occurs to her she should check in about qrow, though, because his status is very up in the air at home— ]
Yang's... we haven't actually talked about much yet, [ making out kind of took precedence over catching up for now. don't judge her. ] but she made it sound like you two had gotten pretty close. And I'm glad—in your situation, you probably couldn't ask for a better friend.
[ again, stepping around whether she's speaking from experience. ]
... You had intel on all of us, though, right? [ the unspoken question being "what did you have on me". ]
no subject
I mean, "had" is definitely the right word. None of it means anything anymore. Cinder told me about each of you, mostly from what Watts could find, but only ever enough to get on your good sides. [she's not proud of it, and there's a deliberateness to her speech, her pacing the whole time she's talking.] I know that you were involved with the White Fang until you weren't, but a diplomat joining up with a radical rebel group wasn't exactly a story that went under the radar.
I don't know much else about it. I kind of stopped trying to fill the holes on my own. It's hard to be friends with someone when you already know things that they didn't want you to know.
no subject
Diplomat's a strong word. When my parents left and I stayed, I was... [ dead air for a second, before, more quietly: ] let's just say I wasn't handling any business of state yet.
[ she's tiptoing around the edges of it, she knows that. enough to cast gray shadows glimpsed in matchlight. but... ]
I think I know what you mean. [ so. more easily, as good a place as any: ] Where are you from, anyway? Was Mistral just your cover?
no subject
Oh, um. I'm from Vacuo. Just a little desert town near the water, mostly for merchants. And if what everyone here is telling me is right, you guys haven't made it to Vacuo yet, right? [there's the vestiges of a hopeful tone in her voice.] Maybe by the time you drive her back from Mantle and Atlas, I'll be there to help show you around.