hallucinogem | ic inbox 💎 deerington

Don't worry about it. I don't know if there's a lot to laugh about, you know?

[though it definitely seemed like this sucked the majorest of all ass. she just wanted her friend to have the time to recover that she needed; she wanted the two of them to have... some downtime. together, maybe. time to recuperate and figure out their next plans. but she doubted, deep down inside, that she'd ever really be afforded that. which made now as good a time as any.]

It's been a long week without you. I didn't really go outside, not except for... you know, food. It was just me alone with my thoughts. [a pause. she looked down at the whiteboard, and pointedly didn't look at Neo.] Lots of things to think about for when I win your game.

[She was about half-way into the soup bowl when she said that, when she heard about the long week. What had happened? Emerald had been here alone? Thinking about her? The game... brothers, that felt like the worst timing for her to have ever done something so stupid. Her cheeks were red despite her current pallor. She swallowed dryly and set the bowl down, taking another sip.

A look at the white board. Smudge smudge. Erase erase. There, clear. She needed a minute. Neo tried writing on it, drawing it close so Emerald couldn't see. She smudged it out once... twice... a hand waving any attempt to stop her away. She realized the moment Emerald said that... she needed to get this out.]

Need too write it all.
One second. Important.

[Finally she set the poor thing down and groggily went for a notepad. It had enough space, and this was important. She was afraid as she wrote it. Sick to her stomach, and terrified Emerald might walk out on her, but she had to say it. If she waited, this city wouldn't give her a chance to be the one. She knew it deep down. She'd been lucky so far.]

Before you win, you should know this.
When Roman died, I blamed two people.
Ruby for killing him, and Cinder because I thought she left us high and dry.
We fought in Mistral, but she convinced me to help her take Ruby down.
That's how we ended up working together.

But, since I've known you, I've realized that I want to move on.
I realize that I have no right to hold anything against her, least of all if I'm forgiving Ruby.
I'm sorry I didn't say this sooner, but I was scared you'd leave me here alone.
I have to do this, and I have to do it because of you, and because I have to do it for me.
I forgive Cinder Fall too, and I'm going to try and let Roman go.

I needed to say that before you win.
It wouldn't have been right not to.
You're important to me, and I don't want to do this wrong.

[That actually took probably almost fifteen minutes to get onto paper. Her hand wasn't steady and the writing was sloppy when she tore it out and handed it to Emerald, curling up and trying to sip soup. She looked nervous still, terrified really that saying this merely an hour after waking up from being dead would mean Emerald would storm out on her. Cinder was probably the worst thing to ever talk about for the two of them, this minefield that made her sick every time she thought about it.

But if she was even considering what she was considering? To not tell her would have just been unconscionable.]

[Emerald waited patiently once she got the idea that Neo didn't want her to read what she was trying to say until it was all out, though she couldn't deny shifting a little uncomfortably. she'd expected it to be... she didn't know, just some offhand comment? something that made her laugh or something. but the longer the writing went on, the harder it got for Emerald to not get in her own head about it.]

[had she screwed up by bringing it up? had Neo forgotten, or was she not interested anymore? was this all a confession to admit that she didn't want any part of it anymore? gods, had Emerald wasted all that mental energy and had a tense, way-too-close conversation with Ruby for nothing? so she sat and waited. and when Neo was finished, she read.]

[her lips hung slightly open the entire time she read, but mouthed along to the words "forgive Cinder Fall" once she got there. Emerald's heartbeat slowly started calming itself down, no longer ringing in her ears, and she finished out the note with quiet relief on her face. when she finished reading, she turned her head and looked over at Neo. and there was anger in the back of her head, yes, anger at the implication that Cinder would even think of abandoning them, but it dwarfed in comparison to everything else she was feeling.]

I don't think I knew how much you blamed her for what happened. I'm... sorry. That I let this go for so long without even asking. [she put a hand on Neo's back carefully. apologies weren't her strongest suit, but something about this only halfway felt like she even needed to apologize. so she changed tack, and maybe she could actually say what she'd written down a week ago.] I'm really... really proud of you, Neo. None of this can be easy. And I don't want to do anything wrong, either. Not by you.

[she moved so she could touch shoulders with Neo.]

I don't know why Cinder did what she did the night Beacon fell. I still think she left us on our own because she trusted us. But the next time I see her, if we still need an answer, I can just ask her. Because right now, what matters to me is that you're still here. ...I missed you.

[She tried to fight it. Tried to control it. She was afraid she'd lose the soup if she did it, and she didn't want anyone to see it. But when she heard Emerald say those things, bring her in for a hug, she shook and began to sob. The soup was on the table, her arms were around her teammate, her friend, the woman she was... she could be honest, the woman she was trying to catch the interest of. She was weak, so it wasn't a throwing of her arms. She just sobbed in relief.

She didn't care about the whole details. Proud of her, in love with her, missed her, those words all amounted in her mind to 'I am not giving up on you for this.' And that was what she needed to hear. The actual words would be remembered later. She was just relieved, her body shaking and silent sniffles and tears coming out.

Finally, she managed to move her lips up, the tiniest thread of a whisper on her lips, eyes red-rimmed. It was barely a sound and hard to make out even right against her ear.

'I don't care why. I trust you.'

She was letting this go. She didn't care why Cinder had done it. The reason was probably not a good one, even if it might have been forgivable. She didn't really care now. She was forgiving Cinder for Emerald's sake. And all she wanted to do was clutch at her and sob silently in relief. She'd probably calm down in a second, but at the moment this was all she could think of.]

[this really was a big deal for Neo, wasn't it...? it felt pretty momentous to Emerald, too, truth be told. she didn't think that she would be strong enough to actually forgive someone who had taken the only important person in her life away from her, and here Neo was forgiving two of them. no matter how responsible the two of them actually were for it; the way Neo's body was shaking and the sobs were coming out told more than enough of a story about how important this was than anything else could.]

[her head tilted closer, and when Neo seized the opportunity to speak... to speak to her a second time, with her voice, Emerald didn't freeze up or freak out. not this time.]

I trust you, too, Neo. [there's something in the back of her mind, playing on her lips, and she decided... well. if Neo could speak, then why couldn't she? maybe because her throat was tightening and she could feel her cheeks getting wet.] I trust you so much. I don't ever want to be here without you again.

[The tears tonight weren't about Roman. She'd shed a lot of those tears already. She would shed more. tonight, it was the fact that one person at least besides Ruby hadn't given up on her, and it had been the person from home that she most wanted not to give up. She expected to lose so much, but she wasn't losing emerald. She was relieved.

'Do not puke, do not puke, do not puke...'

She leaned back and then forward, her forehead against Emerald's as the other girl started to show signs of crying. She wanted to laugh, but she was still tearing up herself. A hand reached up, cupping one of her cheeks, thumb brushing the tear away as she gave a little jerk of her head in response to that last line. Did Emerald have any clue how corny she sounded right now?

One hand reached down to write on the white board. It was crude looking because it was with her off-hand, but it was still there.]

You'll never get rid of me.
Stuck with me forever.

[She debated telling her that saying things like that... she'd already 'won' the game if she wanted it. But she wasn't up to actually saying that unless Emerald asked. She could take her time. They had time, right?]

[the two of them had all the time in the world. and yet... not ever as much time as they needed. Emerald had thought that this was some sort of proving ground, a place where they could all test their ideas against whatever problems they were all facing at home. she wasn't sure how much she believed that anymore, if she believed it at all in the first place, but maybe this place was capable of being multiple things at once. it sure felt like she was more prepared than she had been before she came here. the question was, prepared for what?]

[but that was a question for later, but right now she was all up in Neo's personal space and letting her wipe away tears and smiling at how soft and stupid and unlike her it all felt (unlike both of them, really), and she just. wanted to have this. Ruby was right, after all. Emerald couldn't just sit here and wait for things to happen to her. she had to take what she wanted. it's what she did with everything else, right? so... she would take this time with Neo.]

Bad girls stick together. [she tried to sound cocky, confident, but the effort came out just a little dampened from the tears. so making a joke-that-wasn't-a-joke was probably her best backup plan.] Good thing I like how pink and green look.

She managed a little laugh and nodded, her body starting to relax a little. She realized how much she felt like a tense, coiled spring. Being a little dehydrated, which was to be expected, did not help things at all. But the joke made her smile and she smudged the board again and added a little something.]

You'd look good with a little pink on you.
I could try some green on one of these days too.

[The double entendre was definitely meant, though more in jest. She settled back and almost leaned in again, but thought better of it. It was hard to keep anything down, and any minute it could all go up in flames, so to speak. reaching for the soup, she took a few more tentative sips and smiled gratefully at Emerald.

Neo had never thought of this place like Emerald had. It was yet another strange place. She was trapped here, but Ruby was here, so she had all she cared to think about. Only as she'd gotten friends, as the futility of everything had set in, as she'd questioned her own reality and then an old friend had basically taken over a piece of her life had things started to change for her. She wasn't quite sure where it was going... and she hated that she felt impatient because of how much could be taken away at any minute, but things were changing.

She honestly believed it was probably for the better. It was just hard to change. Change was pain usually.]

[Emerald laughed and muttered out a quiet "shut up" like it actually bothered her, but she was just having a good time and the way the corners of her lips turned up gave that away pretty easily.]

Feeling any better? Now that you've got some food inside you. Let me know if you want me to go out and get anything for you. It's, uh. [a pause; her eyes slid towards the wall as she tried to swallow.] It got a little weird out there. Power's been spotty for the past couple days, and things feel... different outside. It's like she escalated something.

[She smiled and nodded once, quickly. She wasn't feeling great. She wouldn't be feeling even passable for a week, but it felt good to get something into her system. Anything. She wiped the board and wrote the word 'Toast?' down on it. Keep it simple. Just get some small substance down.

For the moment, though, she didn't want Emerald to go anywhere. She nodded again, a little less happily at the description of recent events. It was basically as she'd expected. Mother Superior had made her intentions clear enough, and so she wasn't exactly surprised, even if she didn't really understand what all that meant just yet.

She'd worry in a week, frankly. This was more important to her.]

Toast.

[she agreed quietly and took her time standing up. a lot of other things played in the back of her mind, were playing, would play for a while, but those, she'd hang on to. she didn't want to overwhelm Neo on her first day back. she'd give her time. and helping bring her back to health was going to be rewarding enough on its own, which was a weird thing to be thinking.]

[it didn't take her long to prepare a couple slices of toast, though when the lights flickered as she pressed down the plunger on the toaster, she gnawed at her lip a little.]

Hope it holds. I don't want to go out there for more groceries any earlier than I have to. [and quieter, as she plated everything up and served Neo.] I don't think I got enough for another week, but we can hole up together for the next few days, at least. We don't have to go anywhere as long as we still have electricity.

[She nodded and smiled over at Emerald weakly in thanks. She had the urge to wolf it down, but she took her time once the toast was brought out and munched very slowly. Her stomach would settle eventually and hopefully this would be more the feverish sort of flu than the upset stomach. That wouldn't be lovely, but it would be ... helpful in some ways.

She listened, nodding again as the explanation of their situation finished. She reached down gingerly and wrote on the tablet.]

Sounds smart yeah.
Going to put a message out tomorrow.
Clear the air a little, make sure nobody's coming.

[She considered waiting on it. She really did. But honestly, it didn't seem like a good idea to wait too long. Not if Qrow or Varian were still at all primed to do something.]

Oh yeah? Are you thinking of going to the network or handling it privately?

[there were good reasons for both options, but she didn't really expect Neo to air all of Remnant's dirty laundry on the entire network like that.]

Because Ruby and I had a pretty good talk one on one, and she seems to be doing... you know. She doesn't seem like she's hurting too bad. [and her hand came up to Neo's shoulder.] I didn't bring you up and I didn't try to call anything off. I promise. I just wanted to see how she was doing. And I think anything you say is gonna go over pretty well.

[Smudge smudge, scribble scribble.]

Public. Already told Ruby.
I'm pretty sure she wants to the bury the hatchet too.
And not even between my shoulder blades.
There's people I'd miss otherwise.

[She managed not to laugh at her own joke. Couldn't take too much humor right now. She reached the hand up and rested it on Emerald's there at her shoulder and nodded. It wasn't stated, but the only dirty laundry she was airing tomorrow was her own. Emerald's was her own business, and Cinder... well, she wasn't planning on explaining her to people honestly.

A pause and she added below.]

Needed to tell you first.
About forgiving Cinder.
More important that you hear that from me personally.

[it... seemed silly to think that maybe Neo would have waited until a public proclamation to say anything about Cinder. but it had honestly been, up until a few moments ago, what Em would have expected. they were getting closer, the two of them, but she still didn't expect Neo to do these. confessions like this. not in private, not one-on-one. not as the intimate and important events that they were. so for Em to hear that she was a priority in Neo's mind... she'd unpack why her chest felt funny at that later.]

Thanks for coming to me first. It's, um. ...I appreciate it. [gods, sound more confused and pathetic.] Hey, so, I think Ruby's coming around on me, too. We talked a lot the other day about, you know, life stuff. Her and Varian. I learned a lot about how the two of them are together, and she said she liked that she was learning some stuff about me. Instead of how I was like at Beacon. So... I don't know. That's a good sign, right?

[She rolled her eyes at that mention of Ruby, and actually laughed a very small, tiny bit. A thin cough and she eased back. Her head bobbed in a nod and she smiled over at Emerald. It was good to know that she understood it was important for her to have her friend and comrade know that this was a personal, intimate thing. Rub rub...]

Those two are stubborn idiots.
Do you realize how long it took them to admit it?

Wait, why were you asking about her and Varian?

[Oh fuck... she wasn't asking ... why was she asking about Varian?]

[she knew that Neo would catch it. she wasn't exactly being slick right now, anyway, but that didn't mean she had to give a straight answer. ...except it was getting harder to lie to Neo, and she really didn't want to do it right now anyway. it would only make things worse. while she answered, she moved her hand around to the back of Neo's neck—slowly, but not so slowly as to try to conceal what she was doing.]

I think you already know why. [her fingers brushed against the chain, then moved away.] But she doesn't. She doesn't have any idea why I was asking.

[Oh brothers, she was going to RUBY for advice? Fuck, Emerald really hadn't had much luck getting help with this had she? She was going to one of the most stubborn, hopeless optimistic idiots in the entire town. Neo was tempted to suggest almost anyone except for ...

Oh wait, no. Rogue wasn't a great idea was she? She had her share of issues.
Did Helena even understand how to date? That girl was awkward as fuck.
Maybe she could ask suggest Bella? Yeah, Bella probably knew a lot more about romance than the lot of...

Oh who was she kidding? None of their friends had a clue. She reached up to brush her fingers on the arm against her shoulder, affectionate but weak. Calming herself down, she wrote slowly.]

She's kind of an idiot.
That really hasn't changed all this time.
I think we're in uncharted territory.
Take your time and I trust you.

Yeah... yeah. I think we are.

[Ruby had actually given her some good advice. Ruby and Varian both. about moving forward, about knowing that the future was scary but going for it anyway because it was better than never knowing. Emerald was pretty sure she'd already made her decision just based off the two of them. but it was easier to make fun of Ruby, and it came a lot more naturally.]

She actually thought I had a crush on Yang. Her sister. The one who'd be sucking faunus face every night if she had half a chance. Gods, can you even imagine?

[Ya know, if she'd been a young little hot-headed stab-aholic, Yang wasn't half-bad looking and she had some serious fire in her. But that did make her snicker. Yang... wasn't what she would say was Emerald's type. She kind of didn't imagine Emerald with anyone who wasn't at least a little bit poised.

Actually... uh... if it weren't for the fact that she wanted Emerald all for herself, she could see Blake. No way in hell was she going to voice that right now. She took a nibble from her toast and added to the pad, trying to keep from giggling.]

You and Yang?
Close to the last pairing I'd imagine, yep.

Yeah. But hey, me and her are going to spar sometime soon. We made plans for it. I... [hoo boy. okay, not as big a deal anymore.] I did talk with her, but I just wanted to get more about what happened at Haven from her. I figured since she's one of the people who actually went down into the Vault...

[she looked down towards Neo's food and tried not to think too hard about how she hadn't had much to eat for herself yet. she'd deal with it later.]

But she doesn't know anything either. It matches with everything I've heard. By the time she got down there, Cinder was already gone. So that's just more proof that however she met up with you, it wasn't the people on Red's side who got her there.

Yang's a shitty liar, so that's probably true.
Which means whoever went down with Cinder is the only one that knows.

[And it wasn't like Raven was talking, or that Neo even new that much, in the end. It was a thing that Cinder was not talkative about. She hated sharing about her failures, no matter what form they took. She leaned in a little closer, her eyes vulnerable and her skin pale as she reached up to run a finger along Emerald's cheek affectionately.

She mouthed the next words. Closing her eyes and breathing out. 'Take your time. I'm not going anywhere.']

[Em had of course gotten very good at reading lips; she'd needed to for work, and it just kind of extended into her normal life. but even if she weren't, the gentle touch, the look on Neo's face, those gave her all the information she would've needed anyway. she nodded and moved her own hand up to touch the back of Neo's. her voice came out quiet and gentle.]

I know. I will. I promise.

[and she smiled. this would be okay. they would be okay. they had this and nothing was going to stop either of them.]

[She smiled, right up until a blink and a look of shock. Her eyes suddenly shot open and she held up a finger, a gurgle coming. Oh brothers! And this delightful moment was broken as she let go and started scrambling for the bathroom.

...they had this, but this was going to be a long week.]

(OOC: somehow... that felt like the handwaving note. ^.~)

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