My address got painted on the walls this month Disarm the traps for now and let them in if they come. Don't try to protect me or get involved, Emerald. I don't want you hurt because I lost control. Maybe hide anything important just in case.
I already told Yang. I'm going to try and turn myself into them. Somehow.
I'll disarm the traps and keep everything safe here. But if they come looking for you with blood in their eyes and they find me first, you're out of your mind if you think I'll just let it happen. If you want to turn yourself in, I'm gonna make sure you don't get hurt. I don't know if most of them would try, but I can't trust Yang as far as I can throw her.
EMERALD! Nobody else needs to die because of me! I don't want you hurt, ok? But if you want to help me turn in, we can do that. Just please don't get yourself hurt. I've already caused you enough trouble.
Let's wait for Yang to call back and keep our distance. Oscar was much calmer, but I'd rather not involve the kid. And I haven't heard from Qrow yet. That worries me.
Okay. Okay. I won't get myself hurt because of you. I can just wait and see what happens, and... if she comes knocking and you're not here, I can tell her to wait until you get home. I'll be a good host, I'll see if I can get her to calm down, and I won't stop her if she won't listen. Or if she decides to come to you instead.
I don't know what Qrow's deal is but I wouldn't be surprised if you don't hear from him for a while. He just seems sad most of the time already. He probably isn't doing great.
Something like that is ok, but please don't stick your neck out for me. I was so close to finally having a chance to try and get past this. I got sloppy, and my illusions are too good right now.
That's probably a bad thing. Considering I just stabbed his niece to death. If he sees the ghost before I talk to him, that is.
They all live together, right? Yang probably told him already. That doesn't make it much better, though. Ugh. This is terrible. You were working so hard. You stopped wanting this and it happened anyway. This place is awful. I'm sorry.
If she calms down first, it's better If she calms down first If she's capable of calming down.
I wanted to kill her once, Emerald I still hate her, deep down. It was my fault I didn't take the steps to make sure it didn't happen. I'm sorry, because this is making your life more complicated
You did everything you could to stop it from happening. And this place took it from you anyway. Nobody's in our right heads and none of us could've expected this. You didn't do anything wrong and you're not making my life harder, I promise. It's okay. I'm not mad at you.
I should have been locked up until this month was over. It's too late for that, now though. I'm still sorry, Emerald. I have to figure out how to at least avoid this getting any worse.
Turning yourself in sounds like a good start. No jail in the world could hold you, but if you actually want to be in one, then I think you can figure something out. How long would you be gone? Until they decide your sentence is up? Until you've served your time?
I don't know, Emerald, honestly The worst part is I'm pretty sure Ruby would at least thinking of forgiving me It's kind of disgusting, but she probably would still think she could save me Wonder if she's right
I'm expecting the bear to run a trial, if I am honest, so it might be until that happens. At least until my abilities calm down to normal
That damn bear is going to cover this place in bright pink blood and it doesn't even care. If you go on trial... gods, asking this sucks. If you go on trial, what verdict do you want? Do you know?
I don't want to die But I also know I will come back And the truth is I didn't want to kill her But I'm guilty as sin in my own way and I almost did three times
Guilty is probably better, in the long run At least I can apologize then and accept punishment Knowing it isn't forever
I don't want you to die either. Even if you'll come back. I know no matter how hard I try, this place is going to find a way to force me to watch you die. And I can't watch that happen to you. I can't let it happen to you.
You can be punished without dying. The bear doesn't have anything to do with this. This is between you and Red's people. The bear just gets off on dragging it out into the open.
If you go to trial, I don't know if I'll be able to save you. I don't know if my vote will make a difference. But people play enough games with my life. I don't want anyone to play with yours.
It will probably try, yeah. And if you can stop from watching I don't want you to have to see that. This wouldn't have happened this month if it weren't for the bear But I accept my part in all of this.
If it does, don't risk dying with me please. But ok. I trust you, Emerald. We just have to figure this next step out.
Yang sent a message back finally. She at least sounds calmer, said something about Ruby not wanting her to kill me. She's probably right about that. It sounds like something Ruby'd say.
I won't. I'll stay safe. I promise I won't do anything to make it worse. I don't think Ruby would've wanted to kill you either. I don't think she knows how. She always wants to rehabilitate people instead. She wants to work with them and help them be better. She's... gods, I don't even know how to handle her. But you know that.
When she comes back, she'll forgive you. I already know she will. Please, please remember to forgive yourself. You tried to do the right thing. Something else was stronger than you. It's not your fault.
I think one of the hardest parts of Roman's death is that I knew that. I've always known that she didn't want to kill him or me that night, stupid little hero girl that she is. But he's still dead, and it hurts her too, to know what I became is partially her doing. She's crazy, but she has an effect when you're revolving around her life. It's weird, but she's like an Anti-Salem, always fucking smiling and promising it'll be ok.
Even when she's lying to herself.
Am I bad that I want her to win, if it means maybe you and me have a chance to get on with our lives?
I'll forgive myself. Give me a little time on that, but I will. I know I wasn't in control, but I think there's something more important. When I'm done with this, I need to forgive her. Publicly. No "Truces."
I think it's the only way I move forward. Say something I can't take back.
I'm on your side. I think it's a good idea and I think it's going to be good for you. Forgiving her, I mean.
[she won't say it, but she's proud of Neo. proud of her for letting go like that. she's noticed it a little and had a feeling this was coming, but didn't expect it so soon.]
Because in the end, I think I want her to win, too. I want her to win so I can go back to my life with Cinder. So I can help Cinder get what she wants without worrying about someone bigger than her telling me I'm wrong to want that. And if that makes us bad... well, we were never any good at being good.
[She... wanted to say a lot of things right then. She wanted to warn Emerald that Cinder had not once asked if Neo had seen Emerald or Mercury before they hooked up, not even when she'd been bitching about Arthur and Tyrian being in Atlas ahead of them.
She wanted to tell her that Cinder was only using them as tools in her own private war, and was even clearly trying to use Salem for her own purposes. What Cinder wanted... she had a feeling wasn't good for Emerald.
She wanted to tell her that she wanted to kill Cinder. That the affection she'd built for Ruby didn't extend to the woman who had left them all for dead, who would likely leave Emerald and her for dead, or kill them at the slightest provocations.
She even wondered if Cinder was even real...
She kind of wanted to tell her everything, but she swallowed it. She breathed in and out. Finally she nodded.]
I'm with you, no matter what happens, Emerald. Before I do that, the public forgiveness thing, we should talk. Even if I feel like shit cause, you know. "Death."
not even sure it's really death in this damned place.
Yeah, I don't know if it's even death or if it's just... I don't know. I don't know enough about all of this to even have a guess. But yeah, we can talk before you go public. If you just want to make sure you get it "right" or... whatever it is you want to talk about. You know I'm always gonna listen to you.
Something like that, yes. Thanks, Emerald. For everything. Look, I'm going to keep myself scarce until we figure this step out. Call me if you need me. I'll come.
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hallucinogem) wrote2020-06-10 04:49 pm
STAGGR
no subject
Disarm the traps for now and let them in if they come.
Don't try to protect me or get involved, Emerald.
I don't want you hurt because I lost control.
Maybe hide anything important just in case.
I already told Yang.
I'm going to try and turn myself into them.
Somehow.
no subject
But if they come looking for you with blood in their eyes and they find me first, you're out of your mind if you think I'll just let it happen.
If you want to turn yourself in, I'm gonna make sure you don't get hurt.
I don't know if most of them would try, but I can't trust Yang as far as I can throw her.
no subject
Nobody else needs to die because of me!
I don't want you hurt, ok?
But if you want to help me turn in, we can do that.
Just please don't get yourself hurt.
I've already caused you enough trouble.
Let's wait for Yang to call back and keep our distance.
Oscar was much calmer, but I'd rather not involve the kid.
And I haven't heard from Qrow yet.
That worries me.
no subject
Okay.
I won't get myself hurt because of you.
I can just wait and see what happens, and... if she comes knocking and you're not here, I can tell her to wait until you get home.
I'll be a good host, I'll see if I can get her to calm down, and I won't stop her if she won't listen.
Or if she decides to come to you instead.
I don't know what Qrow's deal is but I wouldn't be surprised if you don't hear from him for a while.
He just seems sad most of the time already. He probably isn't doing great.
no subject
I was so close to finally having a chance to try and get past this.
I got sloppy, and my illusions are too good right now.
That's probably a bad thing.
Considering I just stabbed his niece to death.
If he sees the ghost before I talk to him, that is.
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That doesn't make it much better, though.
Ugh. This is terrible. You were working so hard. You stopped wanting this and it happened anyway.
This place is awful. I'm sorry.
I don't think it was your fault.
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If she calms down first
If she's capable of calming down.
I wanted to kill her once, Emerald
I still hate her, deep down.
It was my fault I didn't take the steps to make sure it didn't happen.
I'm sorry, because this is making your life more complicated
no subject
And this place took it from you anyway.
Nobody's in our right heads and none of us could've expected this.
You didn't do anything wrong and you're not making my life harder, I promise.
It's okay. I'm not mad at you.
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It's too late for that, now though.
I'm still sorry, Emerald.
I have to figure out how to at least avoid this getting any worse.
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No jail in the world could hold you, but if you actually want to be in one, then I think you can figure something out.
How long would you be gone?
Until they decide your sentence is up? Until you've served your time?
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The worst part is I'm pretty sure Ruby would at least thinking of forgiving me
It's kind of disgusting, but she probably would still think she could save me
Wonder if she's right
I'm expecting the bear to run a trial, if I am honest, so it might be until that happens.
At least until my abilities calm down to normal
no subject
If you go on trial... gods, asking this sucks.
If you go on trial, what verdict do you want? Do you know?
no subject
But I also know I will come back
And the truth is I didn't want to kill her
But I'm guilty as sin in my own way and I almost did three times
Guilty is probably better, in the long run
At least I can apologize then and accept punishment
Knowing it isn't forever
This fucking place is fucked up
no subject
I know no matter how hard I try, this place is going to find a way to force me to watch you die.
And I can't watch that happen to you. I can't let it happen to you.
You can be punished without dying. The bear doesn't have anything to do with this.
This is between you and Red's people.
The bear just gets off on dragging it out into the open.
If you go to trial, I don't know if I'll be able to save you.
I don't know if my vote will make a difference.
But people play enough games with my life. I don't want anyone to play with yours.
no subject
And if you can stop from watching I don't want you to have to see that.
This wouldn't have happened this month if it weren't for the bear
But I accept my part in all of this.
If it does, don't risk dying with me please.
But ok. I trust you, Emerald.
We just have to figure this next step out.
Yang sent a message back finally.
She at least sounds calmer, said something about Ruby not wanting her to kill me.
She's probably right about that. It sounds like something Ruby'd say.
no subject
I don't think Ruby would've wanted to kill you either. I don't think she knows how.
She always wants to rehabilitate people instead. She wants to work with them and help them be better.
She's... gods, I don't even know how to handle her. But you know that.
When she comes back, she'll forgive you. I already know she will.
Please, please remember to forgive yourself.
You tried to do the right thing. Something else was stronger than you. It's not your fault.
no subject
I've always known that she didn't want to kill him or me that night, stupid little hero girl that she is.
But he's still dead, and it hurts her too, to know what I became is partially her doing.
She's crazy, but she has an effect when you're revolving around her life.
It's weird, but she's like an Anti-Salem, always fucking smiling and promising it'll be ok.
Even when she's lying to herself.
Am I bad that I want her to win, if it means maybe you and me have a chance to get on with our lives?
I'll forgive myself.
Give me a little time on that, but I will.
I know I wasn't in control, but I think there's something more important.
When I'm done with this, I need to forgive her. Publicly.
No "Truces."
I think it's the only way I move forward.
Say something I can't take back.
no subject
I think it's a good idea and I think it's going to be good for you.
Forgiving her, I mean.
[she won't say it, but she's proud of Neo. proud of her for letting go like that. she's noticed it a little and had a feeling this was coming, but didn't expect it so soon.]
Because in the end, I think I want her to win, too.
I want her to win so I can go back to my life with Cinder.
So I can help Cinder get what she wants without worrying about someone bigger than her telling me I'm wrong to want that.
And if that makes us bad... well, we were never any good at being good.
no subject
She wanted to tell her that Cinder was only using them as tools in her own private war, and was even clearly trying to use Salem for her own purposes. What Cinder wanted... she had a feeling wasn't good for Emerald.
She wanted to tell her that she wanted to kill Cinder. That the affection she'd built for Ruby didn't extend to the woman who had left them all for dead, who would likely leave Emerald and her for dead, or kill them at the slightest provocations.
She even wondered if Cinder was even real...
She kind of wanted to tell her everything, but she swallowed it. She breathed in and out. Finally she nodded.]
I'm with you, no matter what happens, Emerald.
Before I do that, the public forgiveness thing, we should talk.
Even if I feel like shit cause, you know. "Death."
not even sure it's really death in this damned place.
no subject
I don't know. I don't know enough about all of this to even have a guess.
But yeah, we can talk before you go public. If you just want to make sure you get it "right" or... whatever it is you want to talk about.
You know I'm always gonna listen to you.
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Thanks, Emerald. For everything.
Look, I'm going to keep myself scarce until we figure this step out.
Call me if you need me. I'll come.
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You know I'll drop whatever I'm doing to help if you need it.
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I think you've become a real priority for me, Emerald.
But I need to deal with this, and I'm sorry.
We'll see each other soon.
[Click]