Emerald Sustrai (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
hallucinogem) wrote2020-06-10 04:49 pm
hallucinogem) wrote2020-06-10 04:49 pm
Entry tags:
STAGGR
My money's on hammer girl. She's like a freight train.
She'll probably spill the beans eventually if they don't stop her firt.
But don't go giving Red too much credit there now.
She's not stupid, but she doesn't think about this stuff.
Pretty sure she and Varian might not have gotten past a kiss.
Plenty. I'm just much better at hiding my insecuritie with illusions. ^.~
I'm a total cheater when it comes to this, Emerald, you know that.
I've spent most of my life making sure the image was always perfect.
Never a hair out of place, and people think I'm unbeatable.
I'll be honest and admit it gets exhausting sometimes.
You really are too hard on yourself a lot of time. You're great.
Not that I'm going to complain about seeing you at that angle.
The only question is what I'd do in that instant. So many options.
She'll probably spill the beans eventually if they don't stop her firt.
But don't go giving Red too much credit there now.
She's not stupid, but she doesn't think about this stuff.
Pretty sure she and Varian might not have gotten past a kiss.
Plenty. I'm just much better at hiding my insecuritie with illusions. ^.~
I'm a total cheater when it comes to this, Emerald, you know that.
I've spent most of my life making sure the image was always perfect.
Never a hair out of place, and people think I'm unbeatable.
I'll be honest and admit it gets exhausting sometimes.
You really are too hard on yourself a lot of time. You're great.
Not that I'm going to complain about seeing you at that angle.
The only question is what I'd do in that instant. So many options.
They haven't gotten past it YET.
And yeah, they probably won't for a long time.
I don't think it's impossible, but it's definitely not the kind of thing that Ruby thinks about.
And knowing V, he doesn't think much about it either.
Not until Nora comes in and blows it for everyone.
[she wants to hang in the fun part of this for a while before something crops up in the back of her head. but she's not holding it back, even if the concern only just found a voice.]
Sorry. I just didn't really expect you to be using your illusions like that.
And mine's too risky, and I can't exactly concentrate on it when we're like that, either. So I'm just sitting there sweating and looking stupid.
And you get to see me fumbling my way through everything and I just see you looking back, confident and calm and taking charge.
And yeah, they probably won't for a long time.
I don't think it's impossible, but it's definitely not the kind of thing that Ruby thinks about.
And knowing V, he doesn't think much about it either.
Not until Nora comes in and blows it for everyone.
[she wants to hang in the fun part of this for a while before something crops up in the back of her head. but she's not holding it back, even if the concern only just found a voice.]
Sorry. I just didn't really expect you to be using your illusions like that.
And mine's too risky, and I can't exactly concentrate on it when we're like that, either. So I'm just sitting there sweating and looking stupid.
And you get to see me fumbling my way through everything and I just see you looking back, confident and calm and taking charge.
They're not exactly regular tax payers, nope!
Someone should give them a tutor session on tax law one of these days.
Not it!
Then I do a very good job of how I use them.
I try to let it go these days, but this is a really hard habit for me.
Since I can sort of tie it off and let it run in small cases, I do that
Most of the time, people only ever see what I want them to.
You're one of the only people I let my hair down with much.
But I do it even with you, which I kind of need to stop doing.
You need to know that I really do get nervous, blush, embarrassed and confused.
You deserve to see me at my worst along with best.
Someone should give them a tutor session on tax law one of these days.
Not it!
Then I do a very good job of how I use them.
I try to let it go these days, but this is a really hard habit for me.
Since I can sort of tie it off and let it run in small cases, I do that
Most of the time, people only ever see what I want them to.
You're one of the only people I let my hair down with much.
But I do it even with you, which I kind of need to stop doing.
You need to know that I really do get nervous, blush, embarrassed and confused.
You deserve to see me at my worst along with best.
Absolutely not it.
That's Weiss' job, last I heard.
Thanks for understanding, Neo.
I just feel like it really will help me feel less awkward about stuff if I know that we're both kind of finding our way through this at the same time.
Don't get me wrong, the confidence is... REALLY sexy.
But sometimes a girl gets too deep in her own head. You know how it is.
Well, maybe not exactly. But you know how to handle it when someone ends up going too deep.
And call me crazy, but I think your worst is still gonna look pretty good.
That's Weiss' job, last I heard.
Thanks for understanding, Neo.
I just feel like it really will help me feel less awkward about stuff if I know that we're both kind of finding our way through this at the same time.
Don't get me wrong, the confidence is... REALLY sexy.
But sometimes a girl gets too deep in her own head. You know how it is.
Well, maybe not exactly. But you know how to handle it when someone ends up going too deep.
And call me crazy, but I think your worst is still gonna look pretty good.
Gods help them all.
I'd like to think my worst is pretty damned sexy, yep!
But don't worry. I'm going to try and do better, but remind me if I look 'too perfect.'
It was kind of a survival tactic, so it's hard to break.
I'd like to think my worst is pretty damned sexy, yep!
But don't worry. I'm going to try and do better, but remind me if I look 'too perfect.'
It was kind of a survival tactic, so it's hard to break.
I know. I get it.
We have a lot of survival tactics that we have to break out of together, both of us.
Because we're finally not just surviving anymore.
We're living.
And we were meant to live.
We have a lot of survival tactics that we have to break out of together, both of us.
Because we're finally not just surviving anymore.
We're living.
And we were meant to live.
And I think you know from the way the apartment was when you got here.
I'm good at putting up an appearance that everything's great, but 'living' isn't my strong point.
You're helping with that a lot, and I love you for it.
I'm good at putting up an appearance that everything's great, but 'living' isn't my strong point.
You're helping with that a lot, and I love you for it.
It's weird how much it helps, having just one other person around here who cares so much.
I'm glad I could be high maintenance enough to convince you to make this place look a little more lived-in.
I want both of us to be able to find a better life together, and showing me that I'm actually worthy of your love is one of the... countless things I love you for.
I'm glad I could be high maintenance enough to convince you to make this place look a little more lived-in.
I want both of us to be able to find a better life together, and showing me that I'm actually worthy of your love is one of the... countless things I love you for.
You really are the perfect level of high maintenance, Emerald.
You demand quite a bit out of me, but it's never really too much to ask, and that helps.
But trust me. You've helped me just as much in your own way.
You've reminded me that I don't have to live in the shadow of a friend's death.
That I have a right to survive, and to be happy again.
You demand quite a bit out of me, but it's never really too much to ask, and that helps.
But trust me. You've helped me just as much in your own way.
You've reminded me that I don't have to live in the shadow of a friend's death.
That I have a right to survive, and to be happy again.
[Left outside the house is a dark blue basket. Inside is an associate of tea, chocolates, a box of lemon drops, a bottle of wine and a copy of Charles Dickens, Christmas Carol. A blue Tardis-shaped card attached to the basket says, 'Santa' in silver marker.]
Hey. We both have shadows that we're working our way out from under.
We have lives to live and I'm not stopping until we're living our best lives together.
What else is all the surviving we've done supposed to be for?
I really hope I'm not demanding too much, though, uh. I don't want to be that kind of girlfriend.
But if it ever does get too much I know you'll tell me.
We have lives to live and I'm not stopping until we're living our best lives together.
What else is all the surviving we've done supposed to be for?
I really hope I'm not demanding too much, though, uh. I don't want to be that kind of girlfriend.
But if it ever does get too much I know you'll tell me.
I don't think I need to hide who I am around here anymore. Everyone from Remnant who could care about me already knows I'm here anyway, and if I try to hide myself it just leads to stuff like Nora, where we start off okay and then it just gets... like that.
Besides. After the Blake thing? I need to find a way to define myself again. So... that's it, I guess. No more anonymity on the network. No more hiding myself from people. Use video, use a better username. Put my picture up.
I can wear that cute necklace Neo got me. Heh. I could get used to that.
Oh right, also, don't forget you have an honorary sister you have to take care of now, dumbass. Get her something for the holidays. She deserves it.
Besides. After the Blake thing? I need to find a way to define myself again. So... that's it, I guess. No more anonymity on the network. No more hiding myself from people. Use video, use a better username. Put my picture up.
I can wear that cute necklace Neo got me. Heh. I could get used to that.
Oh right, also, don't forget you have an honorary sister you have to take care of now, dumbass. Get her something for the holidays. She deserves it.
"It builds character," haha.
But seriously, yeah we both have our shit more together than we've had in a while at least.
But you aren't demanding too much of me.
I'll definitely let you know if I have to, Em. Promise.
You do the same for me.
But seriously, yeah we both have our shit more together than we've had in a while at least.
But you aren't demanding too much of me.
I'll definitely let you know if I have to, Em. Promise.
You do the same for me.
I will. I promise.
I don't want to keep secrets from you anymore.
Which was the point of that whole last conversation we had, just in case that got lost under everything else. ;)
Gods, that really happened, huh. Like, okay, I know that we already talked about how I felt overwhelmed but oh my gods?
That was. Really good for my first time.
I don't want to keep secrets from you anymore.
Which was the point of that whole last conversation we had, just in case that got lost under everything else. ;)
Gods, that really happened, huh. Like, okay, I know that we already talked about how I felt overwhelmed but oh my gods?
That was. Really good for my first time.
Let's just try to be understanding.
We've lived for our whole lives wrapped in secrets.
Sometimes it can be hard to remember what the other knows.
There's bound to be a surprise or twelve, but we'll get there.
You were pretty damned amazing too, you realize, right?
But did I manage to successfully ruin you for everyone?
Because I'm absolutely going to try and one up myself next time.
We've lived for our whole lives wrapped in secrets.
Sometimes it can be hard to remember what the other knows.
There's bound to be a surprise or twelve, but we'll get there.
You were pretty damned amazing too, you realize, right?
But did I manage to successfully ruin you for everyone?
Because I'm absolutely going to try and one up myself next time.
Ugh. You definitely ruined me, I'll tell you that much.
Usually I only pass out like that after I spent all day fighting.
Glad you liked what I brought. Only the best for you.
I'll see if I can bring something new to the table next time to keep you on your toes.
Or, you know, off them. Either way, it's gonna be one of the good kinds of surprises.
Usually I only pass out like that after I spent all day fighting.
Glad you liked what I brought. Only the best for you.
I'll see if I can bring something new to the table next time to keep you on your toes.
Or, you know, off them. Either way, it's gonna be one of the good kinds of surprises.
Let's find a way to make enough noise to make them try to call the cats.
I want to horrify our neighbors, haha.
I'm looking forward to this next surprise by the way.
I want to horrify our neighbors, haha.
I'm looking forward to this next surprise by the way.
I'm working on it.
Hard to know how to plan it best when I don't know every last detail of what you're into yet.
I'll figure something out. Mark my words. We're gonna sound so much like cats in heat that they'll forget to call them.
Hard to know how to plan it best when I don't know every last detail of what you're into yet.
I'll figure something out. Mark my words. We're gonna sound so much like cats in heat that they'll forget to call them.
And neither of us completely knows, which is part of the adventure!
Heh, it's also part of the horror as we try to figure it all out and get it perfect.
Oh god, that one's good. I need to remember that. When I'm done finding a way to make a ruckus just for you.
Heh, it's also part of the horror as we try to figure it all out and get it perfect.
Oh god, that one's good. I need to remember that. When I'm done finding a way to make a ruckus just for you.
Hey, don't discount the way a tiny little whisper can make me completely lose my mind.
If there's one thing being a thief taught me, it's that sometimes the best way to get what you want is a laser-targeted strike right where you want to be.
...Not that that's half as flashy or loud as a giant explosion.
If there's one thing being a thief taught me, it's that sometimes the best way to get what you want is a laser-targeted strike right where you want to be.
...Not that that's half as flashy or loud as a giant explosion.
[On Christmas day, Emerald will receive a little wrapped present containing a simple, inscripted lighter. With it is a note:]
Merry Christmas, Em. I know you guys don't have it on Remnant, but too bad you're friend with someone from Earth so you're going to have to live with my heart-felt gift. Hope it helps you remember you've come really far and that you're never too late to move forward. You've got this.
- Varian
Merry Christmas, Em. I know you guys don't have it on Remnant, but too bad you're friend with someone from Earth so you're going to have to live with my heart-felt gift. Hope it helps you remember you've come really far and that you're never too late to move forward. You've got this.
- Varian
It's one of those tiny tricks I'm glad I learned.
I don't need vocal chords to screw with you oh so badly.
The subtle tricks are much better than explosions so many times.
Better to target with.
I don't need vocal chords to screw with you oh so badly.
The subtle tricks are much better than explosions so many times.
Better to target with.
You are so, so incredibly mean to me. And I love it.
I'm glad you're gonna let the mask slip more.
If I do something to make you blush, I want to be the one who sees it.
And I want to be the only one who ever gets to see it.
I'm glad you're gonna let the mask slip more.
If I do something to make you blush, I want to be the one who sees it.
And I want to be the only one who ever gets to see it.
[the nightmares have been getting worse lately.]
[they've always been bad, but for the past few months Emerald's at least been able to convince herself that they aren't real pretty quickly. they haven't stuck with her like now-forgotten memories of deadly nightshade; they haven't gnawed at her gut and mind like quicksilver regrets. but this last round, this latest recurring vision has been all flame and no warmth.]
[she sees everything she's worked so hard for stolen from her in an instant. it isn't even her choice. they fall. they are divided, and they fall, and they are made sacrifices for some miserable god. she's never allowed to see what it is she did; whoever conducts this symphony must keep their chords secret. all she sees is the reaction of the audience.]
[it starts simple. the newest ones first, the underdeveloped melodies but the foundation of the whole work. electromagnetism buzz, buzz, buzzing through the air, thunder crashing down into a bolt that draws everything closer in a massive percussion hit. the harmony begins, a line gauche to compare to hers but impossible to ignore as the black keys follow her contour, phasing in and out, crossing over in unexpected places but still distinct enough to be its own. a shift to minor, the color of the piece darkening but the contrapoint staying close to her own. strings, rising upward, straining to be heard against the weight of the piece as it crescendos. two voices sing the aria in perfect unison, and she knows it well enough to sing it by heart.]
[camera cut. emerald is the audience, watching a life that mirrors her own with the conductor's back to her. she is alone, and she does not belong. there is no beauty to be found in this performance; from outside, she knows that this is only a story. this is not something she could ever truly have herself. the flames climb up the massive curtains lining the stage, only destruction, no warmth, no comfort. she watches. the players break one by one and the symphony falls apart. she watches. the conductor never stops moving as each section dies off one by one. she watches. and as the theatre is consumed, she realizes that the form at the head of the stage was never conducting the orchestra.]
[emerald always wakes up before the theatre is gone entirely, but this is the closest it's come in a while. she wakes up in a sweat, and she's certain she was screaming, and her head aches horribly. in her apartment, on the couch that she crashes on when she needs space, she reaches for the endtable in the darkness. Varian's lighter rests there, and in the low light she can only run her thumb over the inscription. may the bridges i burn light the way. she flicks the lighter open, lets the flame illuminate a small circle near her face.]
[warmth. light. no destructive power. this is fire that she's in control of. something she can look at as a comfort, something she knows won't betray her. the motion in her wrist is natural, opening and closing the lighter on and off like a ritual. the flickering light casts shadows, but for once, she isn't jumping at flame and darkness. she's taking their power away; she's not letting them control her anymore, and every time she snuffs the lighter out she reminds herself that she's the one who tells it when to leave her be.]
[until.]
[there's a form in the darkness. the form of a woman that she once called home. and she's willing to write it off as a trick of the light, of her mind recalling the image she'd just been woken up from, but she closes the lighter and feels that same lack of warmth shoot through her body with each beat of her too-open heart. and she hears her voice, clear as a memory.]
[hello, emerald.]
[they've always been bad, but for the past few months Emerald's at least been able to convince herself that they aren't real pretty quickly. they haven't stuck with her like now-forgotten memories of deadly nightshade; they haven't gnawed at her gut and mind like quicksilver regrets. but this last round, this latest recurring vision has been all flame and no warmth.]
[she sees everything she's worked so hard for stolen from her in an instant. it isn't even her choice. they fall. they are divided, and they fall, and they are made sacrifices for some miserable god. she's never allowed to see what it is she did; whoever conducts this symphony must keep their chords secret. all she sees is the reaction of the audience.]
[it starts simple. the newest ones first, the underdeveloped melodies but the foundation of the whole work. electromagnetism buzz, buzz, buzzing through the air, thunder crashing down into a bolt that draws everything closer in a massive percussion hit. the harmony begins, a line gauche to compare to hers but impossible to ignore as the black keys follow her contour, phasing in and out, crossing over in unexpected places but still distinct enough to be its own. a shift to minor, the color of the piece darkening but the contrapoint staying close to her own. strings, rising upward, straining to be heard against the weight of the piece as it crescendos. two voices sing the aria in perfect unison, and she knows it well enough to sing it by heart.]
[camera cut. emerald is the audience, watching a life that mirrors her own with the conductor's back to her. she is alone, and she does not belong. there is no beauty to be found in this performance; from outside, she knows that this is only a story. this is not something she could ever truly have herself. the flames climb up the massive curtains lining the stage, only destruction, no warmth, no comfort. she watches. the players break one by one and the symphony falls apart. she watches. the conductor never stops moving as each section dies off one by one. she watches. and as the theatre is consumed, she realizes that the form at the head of the stage was never conducting the orchestra.]
[emerald always wakes up before the theatre is gone entirely, but this is the closest it's come in a while. she wakes up in a sweat, and she's certain she was screaming, and her head aches horribly. in her apartment, on the couch that she crashes on when she needs space, she reaches for the endtable in the darkness. Varian's lighter rests there, and in the low light she can only run her thumb over the inscription. may the bridges i burn light the way. she flicks the lighter open, lets the flame illuminate a small circle near her face.]
[warmth. light. no destructive power. this is fire that she's in control of. something she can look at as a comfort, something she knows won't betray her. the motion in her wrist is natural, opening and closing the lighter on and off like a ritual. the flickering light casts shadows, but for once, she isn't jumping at flame and darkness. she's taking their power away; she's not letting them control her anymore, and every time she snuffs the lighter out she reminds herself that she's the one who tells it when to leave her be.]
[until.]
[there's a form in the darkness. the form of a woman that she once called home. and she's willing to write it off as a trick of the light, of her mind recalling the image she'd just been woken up from, but she closes the lighter and feels that same lack of warmth shoot through her body with each beat of her too-open heart. and she hears her voice, clear as a memory.]
[hello, emerald.]
[ even with the lighter off, she's there in the corner of the living room. the shape of her passes by the dull hints of light filtering through the closed blinds, her silhouette briefly brightening to grey. ]
I let myself in. You don't mind, do you?
[ it's the sort of treatment that was once more common. mostly carrot and very little stick.
fire flickers steadily at cinder's fingertips with a flex of her wrist, small and controlled matchlights guiding her idle inspection of the titles on one shelf. ]
I let myself in. You don't mind, do you?
[ it's the sort of treatment that was once more common. mostly carrot and very little stick.
fire flickers steadily at cinder's fingertips with a flex of her wrist, small and controlled matchlights guiding her idle inspection of the titles on one shelf. ]
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